When I asked myself this question six years ago I was in a bit of gloomy period. Choosing that day to listen and comprehend this question brought the understanding that who I was choosing to be was not only creating my now, but setting the stage for my future. It was in this moment that I decided enough was enough:
- I can be more
- I can do more
- I can have more!
For a long time my life was not so great.
I was 15 years into an unfulfilling marriagel I was living in an isolated areal and I lacked financial freedom as money was controlled by someone else. I was told I should be more like 'other wives'; my partner was not my best friend; my own passion was not supported; and I was living with someone who, unbeknown to me at the time, was creating his version of happiness with other women.
In the past I had been someone who had been too afraid to go it alone: someone who felt weak, someone who accepted other's opinions, judgement and labels. Someone who thought life happens to me and that is that. Someone who thought that this life, although unhappy, is what I know.
I found out that my husband had been unfaithful. Was I a strong, savvy woman back then? Not in the slightest. I stayed, and I aimed to work it out. I didn't want to lose the security I knew, even though this security produced so much unhappiness.
Six months into the 'trying to work it out' phase of our marriage, I found out the infidelity was still occurring. But this time I became stronger - I ended things! For two weeks. Two weeks, then fear came back and so did he.
Two months later I asked him to move back in to the family home. "When you get a job, I'll come back," he said. 'Right, I'm on to it, I'll be good enough when I get a job!' I thought to myself.
Four months later I still didn't have a job and gave him an ultimatum. Last chance - come back or don't. He reluctantly came back and straight away it was uncomfortable, awkward and forced.
Six weeks later he sat me down to tell me he had absolutely no love left for me whatsoever. He was going.
But ... but .... I was starting a new job the next day - I was going to be a 'better version' of me! But he still left. The next weeks went by in a blur. I played the part of a happy new employee and come 5pm went home numb and exhausted.
The new job I was at was in a rural area and I would travel 30km along country roads each day to and from work. Whilst driving home one day in the middle of nowhere a very clear voice said:
- "What are you doing? He's a pig! You are so much better than this. Get a grip, woman! Can you really live the next 40 years of your life like this?"
I finally understood. I finally got it. It finally scared me more now not to change, than to remain the same.
I also came to understand that 'life like this' had never really been about him at all - although at the time I had believed it to be. He had actually been strong enough to pursue his own happiness. Perhaps not in a fashion I would, but in the way he thought was suitable at the time.
'Life like this' had been about who I was choosing to be; what I was choosing to believe about life, others and myself, and what I thought I deserved.
So I made a choice and with conviction spoke three words that still stick with me to this day.
- “Onwards, upwards, always.”
My little mantra that will never have me lost, alone, weak or undeserving ever again.
As life is one big school I still have lessons to learn and perhaps challenges ahead, but I will always face them with 'life like this' as being 'onwards, upwards, always'.
Oh, and I should mention that whilst my ex-husband's actions hurt me immensely, I don't believe him now to be a 'pig'. We were both together for a period to learn more about ourselves and who we needed to be. In different ways, perhaps, and I know that I too own our marriage not working; but that does not make either of us 'wrong', it just makes us, 'us'.
My wish for you is to create your 'awesome life like this' ... one where you are being happy your way, doing happy your way and a having happy your way.
And this is created by you, incorporating a massive amount of deliciously life creating self-awareness, acknowledgement and action.
I believe in you, because I was you. I know you.
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