Kerryn Boogaard Kerryn Boogaard
Beverly Goldsmith Beverly Goldsmith
Zoe Bingley-Pullin Zoe Bingley-Pullin

Tips for a happy and active relationship:

Sex therapist, Jacqueline Hellyer, with top tips for new parents.
By Jacqueline Hellyer
Date: July 10 2013
Tags:
Editor Rating:
loving_couple

It's generally not something you talk about with your friends, but you will find that the issue of sex after parenting is one that challenges many couples. So much so, that I wrote a book about it! 

I'm also speaking at a workshop on Sunday 14th July in Sydney - which is free to Motherpedia readers - about these and many more issues. For those who can't make the workshop, here are my top tips for new (or even not-so-new) parents who might be wondering where their sex life went!

1.  Prioritise

You both have to agree that sex is important and worth the effort. It is. A healthy sex life is a good thing. It’s good for bonding as a couple, it’s relaxing and energising, and it helps you feel good about yourself and about life in general.

And as to the ‘effort’ – you might think that there’s enough effort in your life already, but all the good things in life take effort – health does, wealth does, and so does love. But the good news is that even a small effort creates a feedback loop that makes it easier: good sex strengthens the relationship and makes sex easier.

2.  Forget spontaneity

Where did the myth come from that sex is supposed to be spontaneous? It certainly wasn’t when you were first dating, you would have put a huge amount of effort into your appearance and arrangements. You still have to in terms of planning, creating the right atmosphere, distracting the kids, and experimenting with timing and locations. And if all that planning turns you off, at least plan for the possibility of spontaneity by spending relaxing time together when the kids have gone to bed – if you’re together and you’re relaxed, then spontaneity is much more likely!

3.  You don’t have to be “in the mood” to have sex

If you think you have to be “in the mood”, already aroused, to have sex, you could be waiting a very long time. Instead, be emotionally agreeable to starting to make love, and let your physical arousal occur as part of the act. Even if you’re an exhausted phase-one mum you can just lie back and let your partner give you the delicious attention you so deserve.

4.  Tell the kids you need “Cuddle Time”

They like cuddles, so they’ll understand that you do too. Then it’s easier to distract them, you’re less likely to be interrupted and it’s easier to deal with if you are – “Hey, Mummy and Daddy and having cuddle time, go back and watch the rest of the movie and we’ll go for an ice-cream after!” (Yes, bribery is a useful tool too.)

5.  Work as a team with your partner

When you become parents your roles and responsibilities will change and will continue to change. You need to share the parenting and be clear about who’s doing what. Otherwise you’ll build resentments and you’ll become exhausted, and those are dead cert libido killers.

6.  Live life

Don’t reduce your relationship just to logistics – live life as foreplay. This means the two of you have to make an effort to get on together, to keep your feelings of intimacy and closeness high, to communicate and to be kind, to actually treat each other like lovers. You have to nurture your relationship, because without tender nurturing anything withers and dies, or at best limps along lamely.

7.  Shift from ‘sexiness’ to ‘sensuality’

If you feel like you have to look and feel like a skinny teenager to be sexy and have good sex, then you won’t! Think sensual: it’s softer, rounder, full of depth and warmth, rather gorgeous really. And becoming a parent can enhance your sensuality, because you are surrounded by these wonderful little creatures who are incredibly sensual, who approach the world through their senses.

8.  Practice selfish selflessness

You have to look after yourself to look after your kids well. Tired, grumpy, resentful, flustered people do not make the best parents. You’ll enjoy your parenting and your kids will enjoy your parenting more if you’re relaxed and energised and getting on well with your partner. That might seem like a big ask, but it’s actually all about small things that lighten your load and make life easier. So you do less, take life more gently, let life flow and welcome back a long-lost sense of horniness! This puts the spark back into life so that you build up your love of life.

9.  You’ve gotta love life to have a love life

Learn from your children, savour and enjoy life like they do – be playful and carefree, appreciate all the little things that go to make up your life. Synergise with your kids’ energy rather than fighting it. Engage in and really experience life, especially when you’re busy and harried. Do this and you’ll love life all the more, and that means your love life will improve -another great feedback loop that makes the tough stuff progressively easier.

Actually, it’s all about love – keep the love between you and your partner strong and that’ll spread to your kids and you’ll have a happy loving family all round.

* * *

You can order a signed copy of Jacqueline's book 'The Sex Life Survival Guide for Parents – how to have great sex in spite of the kids' online

To register for Sunday's workshop at the special complimentary rate for Motherpedia readers, follow the instructions in the second item of this linked article

Share This Tweet This Email To Friend
Recent Comments
9 Total Comments
Allan says: 2018 09 19
Rating:

When we talk about the London then we think it’s a great place for spending the vacation with family, but on the other hand for some lonely people the London is the great place for having loveable nights with hot ladies and the London escorts damen bei Frankfurt is the right place for them, their girls will give the pure taste of love and sexual pleasure to every lonely man who wants their night beautiful with full of romance and love.

René Fink says: 2019 05 02
Rating:

You re in the motivation behind fact a without disease site manager. The website piling speed is shocking. It kind of really feels that you’re doing any kind of apparent appeal. furthermore, The substance is an excellent treasure. attorney criminal law

Klaus Schaefer says: 2019 05 18
Rating:

This is a really clever blog site. I recommend it. You have a great deal of understanding concerning this trouble, consequently, bargain passion. You furthermore recognize excellent make girls rally behind it, undoubtedly from the actions. air conditioner hvac

Florian Foerster says: 2019 06 03
Rating:

Anyways I am listed here presently along with would definitely comparable to the state to honor for a remarkable quick write-up along with an all rounded pleasing net website. Please do maintain the magnum opus. find more info

Christian says: 2019 06 26
Rating:

You have some really terrific posts, as well as I, feel I would certainly be a great asset. If you ever before intend to take several of the lots off, I ‘d absolutely enjoy composing some material for your blog site for a web link back to mine. investment opportunity in business

Maximilian says: 2019 09 05
Rating:

In this message, we will take a look at just specifically how to create an outstanding blog website web website. Remember that the blog site website internet net internet site triggers a blog internet site. dental pediatric dentist

seo says: 2019 09 24
Rating:

It is the brand-new internet product along with the crucial point words that normally create the absence of capability consumers. Outstanding blog site internet website point significantly appears like positioning something one-of-a-kind on each blog web site web website. Genuine blog website internet site net facet isn’t spontaneous, it’s miles thing that has in reality been a suggestion out along with additionally as essential look at. Why exists a demand to identify what consists of a superb blog site internet site? water coolers for sale

seo says: 2019 10 11
Rating:

fantastic, phenomenal, I was examining specifically just exactly how to recoup skin break out normally. similarly, located your website by google, taken in an outstanding strategy, presently, I’m rather clear. I have bookmarked your site in addition to additionally, integrate RSS. maintain our renewed. accident personal injury lawyer

Markjospeh says: 2019 11 29
Rating:

Keep your cuddles to some high consistency at the outset of the partnership how to make him want you- that is when sets off are soaring, the lust is heavens-higher, and that’s when these types of recollections are imprinted forever.

View All Comments
Post a Comment
* your email address will not appear

Please enter the word you see in the image below:


Post a Comment
* your email address will not appear

Please enter the word you see in the image below:33343


Your Comment has been posted
Related Articles
trixie_johnno
'Trixie' from The Block says she and Johnno approached their…
Read more
peacefulness
Letting emotional pain in, and responding to it with compassion,…
Read more
loving_couple
There are three entities in your relationship which all need…
Read more
Shipping-containers-freight-wallpaper-preview

Latest Tech Used In Shipping Containers
Read how the shipping industry has revolutionised

Motherpedia cover-2

Win 1 set of a 4-book hardcover illustrated boxed set
Barbara Murray’s new 4-book Sound Stories is perfect for parents and educators and could assist with NAPLAN results

Motherpedia cover (4)

Where to celebrate Oktoberfest Australia
Get ready for this celebration!

Vtech giveaway motherpedia

Win 1 of 3 VTech Toys Pack Giveaway
Playtime is so much more with VTech

Motherpedia cover-4

A Fortnight of Foodie Experiences at East Village
A taste of East Village. What's in it for me?

Globber my too fix up cover

We Try: Globber My TOO Fix Up
A scooter that grows with your child

Throw a winning cricket pitch

3 Steps to a Winning Backyard Cricket Pitch
Ex-Adelaide Oval legend curator Les Burdett shares his tips for getting your backyard cricket pitch test match ready this summer

A bike that follows your kids life cycle - motherpedia - cover

A Bike That Follows Your Kids Life Cycle
Check out the Bunzi 2-in-1 gradual balance bike!

Moonlight lifestyle

Moonlight Cinema to bring…
Moonlight Cinema announces brand new Western Sydney venue

Screen shot 2019-11-26 at 8.29.12 am

Your Magical Christmas Wonderland…
Adventure park is about to light up the night sky with its "Christmas Festival of Lights"

Screen shot 2019-11-21 at 11.11.36 am

The Preston Market Gets…
It's time to feel pumped up for the holiday season!

Bruno-kelzer-zqzuigxcvrq-unsplash

Bunnings team members get…
Help raise funds by buying a snag or donating at your local store.